Though I like people, I don't always understand them

So sometime in the past year, I posted about how my neighborhood makes me feel uncomfortable. Yesterday, walking home from the metro station, I crossed the street at a stop sign. I crossed because I saw a group of young men, in their late teens to early twenties I think, hanging around on the sidwalk trying to look cool, tough, what have you. As they covered the entire sidewalk area and the grassy area adjacent the walkway, I decided to cross the street. I am uncomfortable walking through the midst of a group of men. I admit it, I don't usually trust men in large groups...but then again, I am not sure I trust women in large groups either but that depends on where, when, and how old the group is.

As I crossed the street, I passed in front of a van. When I got to the other side of the street, I began to notice that someone in the van was yell out the window- something about a bitch and something about being run over, and maybe something about next time. I was pretty certain it was meant for me, though I didn't try to show signs of registering it. There were no other women around, as far as I could tell and I was the only person crossing the street.

So, what was it that makes people do things like that? These are acts of agression. They have a lasting impact on me. I have been violated as if they had punched me in the face. What are they angry at, what did I do to them? Why did they think that it was reasonable to do that? My spouse said that there are many reasons why people do that. Sometimes it is because they are angry. Sometimes, they are just sadistic assholes who want to posture in front of their friends and one just gets caught up in the power of being nasty to someone else. Are they taking out their frustrations of feeling a lack of power in their lives out on me? I can't help but associate acts of agression with anger. Somehow doing that makes it feel better to me...that somehow people aren't really sadistic, but that some emotion, something else took control of them and made them do it. Because if they had their wits about them, they wouldn't have chosen to do that. But I might be wrong...and this is the part that perplexes me and makes me sad. Maybe the guy who did that to me would have chosen to do it again, even if he did know me and knew what an impact it had on me and he wasn't angry, and he was by himself (well, my guess is that really, only a psychopath would do it by himself because one typically only attacks someone if one knew that they had back-up readily available)...and...and...That in the end, there is an element of sadism in human nature. That people do things just because people like to bully other people.

So, that is twice in two years in this neighborhood that this has happened. My husband tells me that this is can happen when you are one of the first few into a neighborhood. This isn't the only thing that has led me to feel unwelcomed in this neighborhood. I get stared at when I walk around here. The curiosity stares I am okay with. It is the glares that I get from people, the once-overs, the look me up and down and then the stare of aggression in the face that communicates" Yea, I stared at ya, whatcha gonna do about it? You do not belong here and you are invading my territory." This leads me to my next wondering. This wondering makes me angry and terrified. I don't want to move. I have a right to be here. But maybe I am being pig-headed. Maybe it really is unsafe for me and I am not paying attention to the signs. Maybe one day I will get beaten-up, raped, run-over, what have you because some one is in a bad mood, is with their friends, is just in the mood and wants to bully someone else. Then that bullying leads to something with terrifying results for me and they dont' care...even when they sober up and see my maimed mangled body on the ground. Humans are capable of this, look at Bosnia, Darfur, Rwanda....it is possible for it to happen here too.

Am I misunderstanding people? Are they better than that? This is one of my deepest fears about people. I don't understand bullying and my imagination runs amuck.