I miss them

Though I stopped crying every moment I stop moving and there is no longer and empty black pit of feeling where my heart was, that doesn't mean I have stopped missing my grandma, my friend Ed and my friend Leslie.

I miss them. I still want to cry every now and then. I want to hear them, hug them, and give them kisses. It isn't always sad. Sometimes I smile because something funny reminds me of them, but I still miss them, even underneath that smile. I am also sad because these were really creative people who produced beautiful works of art (dance, quilts, paintings, stories,...). They will no longer create and I miss their work.

I was just listening to the song by Denis Witmer about not wanting to let go of someone you love eventhough they are dead.

Part of me doesn't want to stop hurting because I am afraid that means I have really lost them. The rationale is that right now, the pain is the last tangible thing I have left that is associated with them. Once that is gone, all I have left are faded memories that will recede into the grey-black soup of deleted memories. The sharp edges of these remembrances will soften, the bonds that hold their molecules will undo. They will dissipate. Maybe a kernel will be left but that will be so distilled and reduced that it will bear little resemblance to the original. It's like a theoretical physicist's representation of a cow ("let this point source represent the cow").

mah-wiage

Two good friends of mine just got married this week. In fact, they were married by me! I am currently listed as a Reverend. I think I quite like this title and am wondering if I am allowed to officially doll it up a bit, The Very Righteous Reverend M. Then when I get my doctorate, I am The Very Righteous Reverend Dr. M. It was a short, sweet and simple ceremony. It helped that I knew the two quite well so could sprinkle in bits of personally related anecdotes and
advice.

This apparently is the marrying year for me. I guess every year is a marrying year for SOMEONE in the world. I have been to three weddings thus far and will be at the fourth one come November. It is great to celebrate my friends' happinesses but, phew, I am wedding caked and YMCA'ed out! I am happy to see my friends so joyous. I wish them all the best.

Attending all these weddings has given me much opportunity to reflect on love, marriage, commitment, and my own relationship with my husband. A wedding is a public declaration of commitment. In that way, we are held accountable by our community for our promises. I am reminded that I need to learn to be more patient and kind to my husband- especially in times of stress and challenge. So, I am making a promise and since it is public there is more pressure to try to keep it. I vow to try to learn to bemore patient and kind to my husband, J, especially in times of stress and challenge. Now that you have all read this, you need to help keep me accountable to this.